Started out as an old ARG blog, but once all that died down, i just started following and reblogging whatever comes around.
If i type it all out, i blog it. simple as that
- Person: Does that mean you can reproduce with yourself?
- Asexual: Someone didn't pay attention in science or sex-ed class.
I suppose most people have a pretty messed up thought process, at least I hope they do. Mine is pretty all over the place. It’s also kinda hard to explain.
It all starts with how I used to be. Way back when I was a massive asshole, and was alienating everyone around me. And I mean everyone, playing my parents off against each other, pandering to my asshole friends by bullying other people, just to become less of a target myself. I was, for lack of a better word, a complete cunt. Probably still am.
Well after a while of this, I started paying the price for my words and actions. Started off just getting hit. Full on punched in the face, and rightly so. But that never really did too much to help me. I tried to shrug it off, but it was helping the puncher more than me. I was still being the same old me. Well when I got to college, I tried to change, but fell into old habits. Only this time I wasn’t around a bunch of guys who would kick my ass if I pushed things too far, this time I was around a group of girls who would do far worse than that.
You see, there is nothing more crushing than having an entire group of people you thought were friends, just sit and break down exactly how much of a massive cunt you are. Just rip right into you, leave nothing unsaid and destroy you. Actually, no there is something far more crushing than that.
And it’s agreeing with them.
When you have to sit and hear about all the horrible things you have said and done, and the way you have been acting, and you simply realise it all to be true, a lot can happen. I withdrew from everything. I descended into the typical teenage depressive phase. I did what I could to get through the day, I tried to make amends, and I tried to change for the better, but only after a period of deep self loathing. I went through a lot of learning, and a lot of realisations. Eventually I came around to the right level of thinking.
After a while I thought I was effecting lasting change, becoming the kind of person I would like. Then it happened again. And I was once again torn apart, and left to contemplate everything in my life. But this time, nothing worked. It was too hard to deal with it for a third time. Getting hit was one thing, getting told some hard truths was another. But trying my hardest to change, and getting nowhere was far too painful to deal with. And when all that pain and darkness builds up, you need to let it out somehow. Some people lash out, others just swallow it.
For me, it was breaking apart a gillette razor, and going to town on my left arm. Still have those scars today. I’m not ashamed of it, and I agree that, at the time, it was the right thing to do. Did it make everything better? no. did it make everything go away? Hell no. but it did give me a handle on everything, and it put things into the proper proportions.
The only lasting effects of those days are thoughts they implanted. I once read a quote about living with suicidal thoughts. It was something like;
Living with suicidal thoughts is like watching an awful movie that gets worse and worse. You keep thinking that if it gets any worse, then you will leave, but it just never gets bad enough. It can get damn close, but never to that point where you just get up and walk right out.
That is the most apt quote I have ever found about my mindset. Even today, when things are fairly ok, I still hold true to this. I have had relapses, and I have had darker times. I have come very close to giving up entirely, and my arm has a few more battle-scars.
I wont make a big deal of it. I’ve always kept these sorts of things to myself. Sure, i’ve had to unburden myself a couple of times, but i’ve tried to keep it to myself. My problems are my own. If I need someone to help me, I’ll seek help. It does irritate me when people I know feel slightly sad about their situation, and instead of trying to improve that situation, they just cry “depression” and get themselves signed off work for 2 weeks, as if that will magically make things better.
But even these days, I don’t really see a realistic future for myself than doesn’t involve either; winning the lottery and having all my problems solved, or getting pushed too far one day, and giving up. I try to keep positive, and most of the time I do. But at the end of the day, these toughts will likely remain.
I did once try to seek help. I began to come around to the idea that I was mentally ill, and I was booked in to get myself checked out. I got out of the appointment 30 minutes beforehand, I couldn’t go through with it, and I still wonder whether I made the right decision. Maybe one day I’ll have an incident and end up in an institution for a while. But for now, I think i’ve got a good grip on things.
Also, this ain’t a cry for attention or sympathy, this is just the way things are, and the best way i can put them.