Started out as an old ARG blog, but once all that died down, i just started following and reblogging whatever comes around.
If i type it all out, i blog it. simple as that
Am I the only one who is sick and fucking tired of seeing people throw big words around because it inflates their own views? Seriously, certain terms and phrases and used to the point where they no longer hold any value. Words like:
I can understand that living with even one of these things can be a real fucking burden, and living with more than one can be nightmarish. But it seems like people today will just throw these into their own little diatribes in order to bulk up their defence.
If someone tells them they are wrong, it’s bullying. And bullying can trigger suicidal thoughts. Apparently.
Because feeling like a piece of shit is equal to taking your own life these days, or at least as dramatic. I go through shit everyday, but I never seek to define it like this. It may seem like depression and anxiety, but its just me getting pissed off and being in a mood.
Depression is being unable to feel anything. It’s soul consuming and inescapable. It’s not just being sad that the world is not tailored around your desperate need to be a unique snowflake.
Anxiety is being so terrified of facing people or events that you begin to shut down and lose focus. It’s not you getting all worried about some anonymous ass-hat on the internet calling you out on your bullshit. Here’s a quick bit of news for you, the internet is a voluntary service. You are actively making a decision to log on and see what has been said. Don’t like it? Then get the fuck out.
Triggers are complicated words, themes, ideas, or practically anything that can trigger memories of severe trauma. It’s not you just being all upset and then linking it to everything bad in your life.
Bullying, one of my favourites, is chalked up to practically anything these days. Someone said something mean? Bullying. Someone pointed out that your facts weren’t correct? Bullying. Don’t like what someone said to you because it contradicts what you think? Bullying. Grow the fuck up.
Suicidal thoughts and tendencies are no laughing matter. They are a struggle for the people who deal with them, and are no pleasant to live through. BUT. They are not just simply wanting to escape a situation. Do you really think that your mild social embarrassment is equal to the active will to discontinue living? Really? Think again.
People these days need to just man the fuck up. The world is a nasty place, full of predators who will pounce on the weak to make themselves feel strong. No one is going to adapt to your specific needs. Ever. Your inability to accept the way the world works is no a problem for the rest of us. Life will teach you in time to just accept this, and move on.
You think I don’t get down and start cursing the world for it’s lack of fairness? Of course I do. Do I take it out on others just because I’m frustrated? no. do I expect the world around me to change to help me cope? Do I fuck. I get up and deal with it, then I move the fuck on.
And if everyone could just do this simple little thing, then we would be fucking sailing
Have you done a dramatic reading of “the chicken nugger” post?
Now I have.
There’s a lot about myself that makes me wonder whether I’m just simply broken. I don’t have the same thought process as other people. I don’t know anyone like me. I don’t try to be special and unique, and I’m not. I just don’t see myself reflected in other people. At least, not in the right ways.
I struggle with the asexuality at times. The whole world runs on sex and lust, whether we want to admit it or not. And its fine, its what got us to be the most dominant species on the planet. We fucked our way to the #1 spot, and our continued horny-ness is keeping us there. But I’m not a part of that. I never will be. I seem to be the only person around here who really loathes that whole process, and the end result. I hate that I am judged on my ability to attract some random stranger to spill a teaspoon of genetic code into and abandon. I hate that my asexuality is seen as a phase, or an excuse for being single. Everyone just seems to think I will grow out of it. But the truth is, I hate people.
I work with the public on a daily basis, and I am no lying or exaggerating when I say, I really hate people. Individuals are fine, I can get on with a person, or a small group of individuals, but people? Hell no. it’s like humans morph into some sort of genetic subspecies when too many of them get together in one place. I fucking hate them. And I hate kids. There are exceptions, but I look are pretty much all children, and I’m faced with the same question: “why the fuck would anyone have children?”. I just don’t get it. From an evolutionary point of view, I can understand. The natural urge to procreate and ensure the survival of our species must be obeyed. But I don’t have that. At all. I don’t have many positive views on the human race. I much prefer animals.
And it’s true. I feel bad about it, and people think I’m joking when I say it, but I could never love my own children as much as I would cherish any animals under my care. I understand animals, I get them. I know how to deal with them, I can see how they work, how they think. I understand how to deal with them, and I can.
And this is only a small part of it. It’s just one small way in which I am not functioning correctly.
I also seem to have trouble with my mind this time of year. It’s like my mind just turns against me during the colder months. Maybe it’s seasonal affective disorder or something, but I always enter the same familiar thought process. The same thoughts and ideas spin around inside my head, and each night gets harder to get through. Each day it’s harder to get out of bed and just live. Everything gets harder, it all seems more pointless. I fool myself into thinking its just another phase, that it’s just some twisted cry for attention. But I find myself doubting it. I don’t seek out attention, I just seek to withdraw away from people. Completely abandon my life and get away.
When I think of the future, I imagine just two outcomes. And while I doubt either of them will ever come to fruition, I still cannot get them out of my thoughts.
The first is simple. Withdrawal. Complete withdrawal. I life alone in the country. I tend to my animals, raising and training birds of prey, dogs, livestock. I have little contact with people, and that’s just fine by me.
The second is more worrying. Worrying in both its contents, and the fact that some part of me wants it. I live with a partner. The gender changes each time I think of it, but they are only a little more than a close friend. I have no job, but we have a home. I don’t know how to word the next part. I survived a botched suicide attempt. I spend each day despondent and wallowing. This partner of mine tries to help as best they can, but it seems worthless.
Am I broken for imagining these scenarios? They don’t seem healthy. At all. I don’t like how apt they seem, or how realistic the might become. Sometimes things just get to much, and everything that’s piled on top of me comes crashing down, piece by piece. Most times I can pick it all up again, and carry on. But sometimes I get trapped beneath it all, and I spend so much time waiting, wishing, for someone to come along and help me that it consumes me. I’m lost in my own head, alone and terrified that this time, might just be the last time. Each time it’s happened, i’ve come out the other end. No different, but still breathing. Sometimes I can find help in other people, but only rarely.
Sometimes I can fool myself into thinking I have people who support me. But I always end up realising just how alone I am. I have just one real friend, and only one other friend I can trust. If I was to cease reaching out to these people, I would never hear from them again. How long can I keep clinging onto these people before I am finally abandoned again?
It’s coming to that time of year again, and I’m worried that I might not be able to deal with it all this time around.