Started out as an old ARG blog, but once all that died down, i just started following and reblogging whatever comes around.
If i type it all out, i blog it. simple as that
Being on tumbler, I see a lot of posts about depression. How lethal it can be, how horrifying, things that can make it worse, things that can make it better. Loads. And I sit here, reading through them thinking; “this isn’t the way I had it”. I used to think depression was something that would dominate your life, and in certain ways it does, but in a visible sense, it really doesn’t.
First off, I’m not using this word because I am trying to self-diagnose myself as “depressed” or anything. I’m certainly no expert on the subject, but like most people, I think I’ve been through it a few times, and the word seems to fit the experiences I had.
I’ve had it lightly, and I had it pretty heavily. Sometimes it manifests as simple absent-mindedness, a state of feeling absolutely nothing in particular. This form makes everything feel so overtly nihilistic that it’s hard to get motivated to do anything.
And sometimes it hits like a solid brick wall that holds you in a pit of self loathing. There’s been dark times, and periods of twilight. Would I classify them all as depression? No. but some of them? Certainly.
Anyway, I digress. A lot of people seek out a support group, whether its subconscious or otherwise. They seem to reach a breaking point and find themselves unable to hide their emotional state any longer. They snap and reveal everything about themselves. And I may have had a moment like this before, but no one ever noticed. I’m scarred because of my actions, and because of what I made myself believe. But those scars were never for anyone else’s benefit. And no one wanted to notice.
And that’s what I came to realise. No one wants consider that you are depressed. No one wants to entertain that notion or follow up on it. They may see the warning signs but rationalise them away and ignore them for as long as they can. It’s easier that way, more straightforward. Confrontation will only lead to difficult situations and nobody wants that. So they push it aside and move on, all the while you’re stuck there alone.
That’s how it was for me. I do believe that my friends and family tried to remain ignorant of my emotional suffering at the time. I know it wasn’t intentional. But when I suddenly come down one morning with a make shift bandage on my arm, and they accept the excuse of “i think I hit out in my sleep and hit something on my desk” then it’s pretty obvious that they are desperately trying to rationalise the situation. They didn’t want to know what the trouble was because they didn’t know how to help me. What experience to they have? How could they possibly help me if I had already gone so far? The really depressing part was that they wouldn’t even try.
And then theres the other side of the fence. Not only was I overwhelmed with my on mind rebelling against me, I felt completely unable to unburden myself onto anybody. Everyone around me was making molehills into fucking planets, skipping the mountain stage entirely. Suddenly a cold keeping you from work was a huge deal. Suddenly getting a slightly higher work load was a cause to have the doctor sign you off work for 2 weeks for stress. How was I supposed to reconcile my feelings of worthlessness when everyone else was making it out that they had it harder. And I believed them. I didn’t want to make things worse. So my mum’s boss was being a dick to her, she doesn’t need to deal with him, and a son who has decided he wants to stop existing. I began to feel so incredibly selfish for being so self-absorbed that I just went deeper into my mind.
Things were bad for a while, and I didn’t find any solace in anyone around me. No one wanted to help me. It was too difficult. So it did what I had to, I picked myself up, internalised everything and learned never to trust anyone again. If I got all “depressed” again, I’d deal with it on my own. Fuck everyone else. If it gets too much one day, then I’ll be gone, out of their lives. And no, I don’t mean suicide, I mean that I would fully recede from their lives. Distance myself as much as I could.
If you keep giving yourself over to other people, you will only wind up empty inside. And unless someone comes and gives themselves to you, you will be empty forever.